


AND SO I GRIEVE-ALONE

by beckysue_bonner, lila_luscious1, Patty_Parker60



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Blindspot (TV), Grey's Anatomy, New Amsterdam (TV 2018), Power (TV 2014), Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, I hope that I don't piss anyone off, Love Confessions, M/M, Other, Still don't agree with BLINDSPOT S5 E1, This came to me me so I wrote it, Unplanned Pregnancy, untimely death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24686299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckysue_bonner/pseuds/beckysue_bonner, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lila_luscious1/pseuds/lila_luscious1, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patty_Parker60/pseuds/Patty_Parker60
Summary: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE: DON'T HATE ME...I still do not agree with how Blindspot Season 5 began(REALLY-killing off READE?), or how Station 19 treatedChief Lucas Ripley. As I add more snippets, other deaths weviewers don't agree with may come to meTHE HAPPY ENDING IS NIGHThanks for Reading
Relationships: Angela Valdez/James "Ghost" St. Patrick, Elena "Yo-Yo" Rodriguez/Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie, Georgia Goodwin/Max Goodwin, Jane Weller/Kurt Weller, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd, Michael Konrad/Travis Montgomery, Natasha "Tasha" Zapata/Edgar Reade, Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Comments: 63
Kudos: 27





	1. TASHA ZAPATA

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LeesyLovesBathenaAndVicley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeesyLovesBathenaAndVicley/gifts), [julrenda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/julrenda/gifts), [beckysue_bonner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckysue_bonner/gifts), [joli_camarillo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joli_camarillo/gifts), [Bacner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bacner/gifts), [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/gifts), [KyHasNoLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyHasNoLife/gifts), [SegaBarrett](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SegaBarrett/gifts), [lovevicley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovevicley/gifts), [blindsmarcy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindsmarcy/gifts), [BellaKatrina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaKatrina/gifts), [AgentNatty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentNatty/gifts).



> Dedicated to my most loyal readers: JULRENDA and  
> LEESYLOVESBATHENAANDVICLEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BLINDSPOT
> 
> ZAPATA 'vents' to READE

"Hey Reade...sometimes I think that I can't possibly go on...I think how do I live without you, when I hurt  
all the time; where do I find comfort now? YOU were my comfort, my grounding. I should have died with  
you, I WANTED TO, and you should have let me. Except now I'm carrying your baby-two months now...  
what do I do, Reade? Do I keep him or her, and if I do...I'm actually running from every police agency  
in the world: no resources, almost no support with a child in my arms?

I wish you were here. You would know what do-you'd figure out a way to keep our baby AND attack Madeline.  
I need you and I love you and I don't think that I can give up the only piece of you that I have left. I miss you  
so much, SO DESPERATELY, Reade. At least I have OUR BABY...at least that...Goodnight, Baby. I'll make sure that  
your hijo or hija knows you for the hero you are, that you gave your life for us. I‘ll tell him or her about you every day...  
I promise.


	2. VICTORIA HUGHES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STATION 19
> 
> HUGHES and her 'chat' with RIPLEY

TEN MINUTES...THEN TEN MINUTES, THEN TEN MINUTES MORE...that's what I wanted, ten minutes  
more with you before...Jen has been great, and so have your parents. And Little Greg is kicking like a  
Mule today-he always does unless I eat a banana and peanut butter sandwich which, as you know give  
me indigestion...he's already annoying me, and he isnt even born!

I wish that you could be here with us, to know him. He will KNOW YOU, that I can promise you. His Daddy-  
the BIG SHIT Chief of the Seattle Fire Department...college football player, best friend, and the love of his Mommy's  
life. I'm SCARED, LUCAS. The protests, and the police pushing back...how will I bring our Son up in such an environment?  
GOD, I miss you and LOVE YOU and need you to help guide me. I'm gonna go lie down, My Love: your boy saps all of my energy.


	3. JAMES ST PATRICK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POWER (STARZ)
> 
> James St Patrick (Jamie) blames himself for the death of his first  
> first and most endearing love, Angela Valdez

I never meant for this to happen, Ang. Yoy know that, right...que nunca quieria esto para nosotros?  
We made plans-how we would get outta the neighboorhood: me and Tommy would 'rap', you would get  
your law degree, help with the contracts? You went away to school,we got caught up in the 'game'...  
shit...got outta hand, ya know? I know I disappointed you, and I really regret that, Nena.

That bullet was on it's way to you the moment I came back into your life 17 years after we parted  
ways...as much as I love you, I actually killed you. You saw he best in me, always-the corner boy  
who became the #1 distributor of narcotics in New York-and STILL YOU LOVED ME. Perdoname, Amor...  
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Tommy was aiming for ME, and you stepped in front of me-you sacrificed yourself, after all the wrong  
that I've done...but I promised that I get out of the dope game, and I have...if you could be here, to see  
it all...I love you and miss you, Angela Valdez.


	4. MEREDITH GREY SHEPHERD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GREY'S ANATOMY
> 
> Meredith Grey Shepherd communes with deceased husband  
> Derek

"Dirty Mistress to McDreamy...so...where oh WHERE shall I begin, hm? As you know, I'm seeing Andrew  
DeLuca, kind of-you pronably know that...I feel like I should apologize, and I don't think you would want  
me to to. Being who you are, the WAY THAT YOU ARE, you would not want me pining for you forever and  
a day. Though I still do, Neuro God: every day and night. I don't know if anything is ever gonna come of  
whatever it is with Andrew-he's a lot younger; not a LOT LOT, but enough to give myself pause.

Zola hasn't forgotten you. She makes me pray with her every night, mixing those prayers with DEMANDS  
that God return her Daddy to us before too long, because she really misses him. Sorry, I'm crying...gimme  
a minute. AnyWAY: Bailey and Ellis are growing like weeds, and I show them pictures of you and and talk about  
you every day. We celebrate your birthday and I made sure that they have as much contact with Amelia, Liz, Kath,  
and Nancy as possible, and your Parents.

When I said that time that I could live without you, but didn't want to, I was full of shit. I wish I could take that back  
every day. We still miss you.


	5. RYAN TANNER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STATION 19
> 
> Andrea Herrera Sullivan visits the grave  
> of Ryan Tanner, to say what she never had  
> the chance to while her good friend was  
> alive.
> 
> ON MY WAY HOME© (Enya)

I have been given  
One moment from heaven  
As I am walking  
Surrounded by night  
Stars high above me  
Make a wish under moonlight

On my way home  
I remember  
All the good days  
On my way home  
I remember  
All the best days  
I'm on my way home  
I can remember  
Every new day

"You should be here right now, Ry. YOU SHOULD. You would still be here if my Dad had not  
convinced you to return to Seattle. I know that you love my Dad, and I'm not shitting on his memory,  
but he knew full well that I was in love with Sullivan at that time, which I told you a little bit before the-  
the-the incident. Had you stayed in California, I'm almost certain that you would be alive. A police  
officer's job has some element of danger, which I always worried about, but to lose you the way that  
we did...I'm still having trouble processing it. Because it was so unecessary-for two really big reasons:  
the child who-he never should have had access to a loaded gun, and Pruitt had no business luring you here to  
try to derail Sullivan and I, on fall pretenses. I'm so sorry that that was never gonna happen.

You'd like him, Ryan. You never got to spend any time with him, but you'd like him...he's a good man, flawed  
like anyone, but he comes to the right decsion in the end. I know that you wanted the best for me, and that's what  
he is. I miss you a lot, more than I have the capacity to describe. I should have said goodbye the right way, and  
grieved you the right way: I'm sorry that I didn't. I've done that now, and Robert supported me fully in that. I can  
still CELEBRATE YOU, I'm gonna...wait 'til you see! I have to go now-shift tomorrow. But I'll talk to you soon.  
LOVE YOU."

On my way home  
Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up-up, Adieu  
I remember  
All the good days  
On my way home  
Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up-up, Adieu  
I remember  
All the good days  
On my way home  
Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up-up, Adieu  
I remember  
All the good days


	6. MARIA DALIA VILLINI DeLUCA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GREY'S ANATOMY
> 
> Carina DeLuca wants her Mother to know some of the  
> things left unsaid between them due to her Mother's sudden  
> demise from a stroke.
> 
> Triste Mia© (Teddy Reno)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We created the name of Carina's Mother as it hasn't  
> been disclosed. Us it if you care to; please acknowedge  
> this story and author(s) as its' origin.

"Mama

I blamed you for too many years, for which I should have apologised long before now. ci manchi tanto,  
Mama...Andrea and I, and we never said how much we do miss you. I believe that Papa does as well:  
MISS YOU: he will never admit it (lo conosci!-you know him!), but I can see it in his eyes, in his face  
sometimes. I know because I visited and he was alone, you know, playing your favorite singer of all  
of them: Teddy Reno! Vedi! Non ho dimenticato (You see! I didn't forget)...and I never will. I do not  
believe that Papa ever will, either:

Trieste mia, che nostalgia  
mi gò lontan de ti,  
girà gò il mondo  
de cima a fondo  
ma penso sempre a ti.  
Poder tornar a Miramar  
col vecio amor  
e dirte ancor:  
"Te voio ben. Te me vol ben?"

Mama, I have news: I have found a Woman that I care about very much, Mama. Non sono come te in certi modi,  
I am not like you in certain ways: I have been attracted to Men, but mostly Women. You would want me to be happy,  
I believe that. Her name is Maya, an American...Yes, Yes I KNOW!: Gli italiani sono i più belli; and many Italain women are  
so beautiful, I agree...she's an ASSHOLE at times, and she betrayed me, an is in denial about some-abuse that she  
suffered...I still love her though. I believe that we will reunite, though not at this time.

Mi sono preso cura di Andrea come mi hai chiesto: I have taken care of Andrea as you asked. He will be better, now that  
he has accepted who he is. We are still grieving you, Mama. I hope that you forgive me for...all that I have done. I should  
check on Papa now; we speak on the telephone every night. Ti amo; mi manchi (I love you; I miss you.


	7. MICHAEL KONRAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STATION 19
> 
> Travis Montgomery, drunk in the early morning  
> hours, gets weepy and confers with dead husband  
> Michael, in the home they once shared (which Travis  
> can't bear to part with).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael's last name -KONRAD-is our invention

"I haven't been by in 3 months and some odd days, Husband-supporting VIC, who married RIPLEY, if you can  
believe it-he needed a heart procedure, and I felt like I had to be there for them both. Dean Miller had a rough patch  
for a bit too-remember him, the big guy with the houseboat? This flighty chick JJ abandoned him with the cutest baby-  
just freaking beautiful!

I still struggle every day with not having you here, Love. I don't accept your passing, I DO NOT. And so I celebrate you:  
I donated to Habitat For Humanity over the weekend; I know how much you loved that charity. And Black Lives Matter-  
a tribute donation-I know that the 'social justice warrior' im you would have done the same.

'When we lose someone we love we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind...'  
my Grandma, my Mom's Mom, told me that. She's gone now, too. One day I'll move on, but not yet...NOT YET, OK?"


	8. ANDREA HERRERA/ROBERT SULLIVAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rewind to early Season 3-SURRERA in temporary  
> crisis, as are VICLEY-resolved by the next chapter)

Robert:

"I understand your reasons why we can't be together right now; I'm not angry about that-not really...  
I'm angry because-because...after all I've done to protect your promotion, including 'standing down',  
and waiting while you made a way for me...you promoted Maya, AND knew about my Dad's new cancer.  
That hurt me so badly, so DEEPLY, Robert. I went numb: Tanner, my Dad, and then the non-promotion,  
which we talked about, and planned. 

I mourn for our love, and I want it back. You hurt me, and I still want you-fucked up, huh?"

-X-

"My hands were tied after our discussion; Ripley being side-lined meant Assistant Chief Ass-Face became 'Acting';  
he made it clear that a Woman would be promoted...A CAUCASIAN WOMAN...I could have gone to Rip to get your  
upgrade pushed through, but your Dad came to me and more or less demanded that I don't promote you, citing his  
cancer diagnosis, and Tanner's death. He stated (and I agreed) that you were not in a good place, not in the right frame  
of mind -with only one shot to prove yoiur worthiness, why risk it, unless you'e physically AND mentally ready for the  
challenge? And he threatened me at a scene-that whatever we have I had better END: that was before he disclosed the  
cancer. It turns out he had already gone to California to lure Tanner back to Seattle.

I'm sick about all of this. I can't blame you for how you feel, and I should have talked to you about it."


	9. MAX GOODWIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NEW AMSTERDAM
> 
> Georgia Mars Bloom B 1984 D 2018
> 
> Beloved Wife of Max, Mother to Luna
> 
> Daughter of Mike Mars and Paula Metzger
> 
> Sister of Mike Jr, Leslie Monroe, and Jeff Mars
> 
> We LOVE YOU, PEPPERMINT PATTY-ALWAYS

"GEORGIA...DON'T LEAVE ME...Luna needs you. I NEED YOU. We weren't finished being Luna's Mommy and Daddy yet.  
That may be what hurts the most of all. But ya DID GOOD, George: she'll know that her Mommy refused to pass on until you  
could be safely delivred into my arms. I HURT, George...I HURT SO MUCH...why us?

My new friend Alice is really sweet, and I appreciate the irony of what we're doing...we've been mourning so long that we'd forgotten how much  
we miss the SEXUAL INTIMACY; you don't mind, do you? I just...I like and appreciate having a soft, warm body to wake up to sometimes...  
She reminds me of you, in certain ways, the BEST WAYS: SHE'S CARING, CONSIDERATE...and she doesn't consider it weird that I can't take  
my ring off-she can't either. I amy not ever be able to...I tried once, and I collapsed in a heap, barely missed clonging my head on the bathroom sink.

I soldier on, George, for Luna. Pleaase forgive me somtimes for the thoughts that I might let your parents have her, so that I can go and be with you.  
I'm surving George, I'm not alive because we both died that day....

OKAY, enough pity party...we made it through another day, George...I love you, Luna loves you...'bye


	10. ROBERT SULLIVAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STATION 19
> 
> Claire marie "CeeCee" Sullivan, mourned by newly married  
> and expactant FATHER Robert Sullivan June 21, 2020:  
> FATHER'S DAY (and CeeCee's Birthday)

CEECEE

"It's my ENDURING SHAME that the last words I spoke to you that morning, befpore leaving for shift, were...I can't even saythem now...  
AAAAAGGGH!...OK...'go to hell, why don't you'...you didn't let me get by with THAT SHIT, hell no...you said...I hope you DIE...little did  
we know, huh? The last words one speaks to their WIFE, or PARTNER...SON or DAUGHTER...BEST FRIEND might be the last a person  
may ever speak.

I didn't mean that, and neither did you; each of us battling to have the LAST WORD, to stamp final to a disagreement I don't even recall. I've  
said it thousands of times, CeeCee, and it's my penace to say it again: PLEASE FORGIVE ME...Forgive me, Babe...

I met someone, Cees: ANDREA HERRERA. Daughter of Captain Pruitt Herrera, remember him? I married her, we're married...and I ...she's  
expecting TWINS. Send me a sign of some sort, would you? Something to show that it's fine with you, my moving on. Lucas believes you  
would not want me to die alone, and I agree. I hate that we never had children, we both wanted them-I was too busy competing for LIEUTANANT, then  
CAPTAIN, etc. with all of the other Seattle Stations, but mainly RIPTIDE, if I'm honest. I learned how to be a goood husband from you, CeeCee, and  
I thank you for that. You know about my struggles, I'm sure so no need to gointo them, but if not for ANDREA...I'd be down the drain. I'll always  
LOVE YOU, CeeCee. You're always with me, everywhere that I go.


	11. FLINT-ALONSO FRANCISCO MACKENZIE RODRIGUEZ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised: no angst (though if otherwise inspired, one of us  
> reserves the right to write something 'angsty'; just not for a long  
> while, I expect)
> 
> Yo-Yo tells Flint that he is hers and Mack's Son

"Come sit with me, Alonso, here beside me."

"Why did you call me that-Alonso?"

"It's your name. In one of these alternate universes, Mack and I conceived a child. YOU Flint."

"Wait. WAIT...I'm... _YOURS and MACK'S SON_?

"Yes."

"That's why I always felt this...closeness to the two of you: **a connection I could never...define** ...I didn't just want to  
find the two of you: I had to find you, I LONGED FOR IT...the way that you two longed for ME?"

"Exactly that. I've had an emptiness, in my heart, and my soul for too long. And MACK-we both had a feeling THAT SOMEONE WAS MISSING.  
From us. That we are not only TWO. In AU you rarely remember the other versions of you. I didn't recall giving birth, of holding you for the  
first time. What Izel said in the temple: 'you are different like her': meaning ME. It's the only thing that makes sense. Tu eres nuestro hijo."

'I understood you-you said that I'm you guys' Son! I speak and understand Spanish-now I know why!"

"I prob;ly spoke it to you as a baby." His Mother smiles proudly.

"Where's my dad?" ( _DAD...ALREADY_!

"Let's go and find him-vamos."


	12. YO-YO RODRIGUEZ and MACK MACKENZIE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is it too much to ask for: to get back what we've lost? I would have  
> stayed in the Framework with you-GLADLY-with no regrets, and not  
> a second thought. I have followed you, and I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING  
> YOU ANYWHERE, Mack: To World's End.."  
> Elena Maria Rodriguez

"I want back what we've lost, Mack. I know that that may not be completely possible. It doesn't stop me from  
WANTING it."

"I know. I want it too."

Elena's dark, dark eyes search Mack's. "Are we fools? Should we just be happy to be alive, to have Flint-SETTLE?"

"It's a miracle that we have Pebbles back. Apart from our reconciling, having him with us is my greatest joy. The temptation to not  
be greedy is strong; we're STRONGER."

"Do you care that we aren't married? Because whether we do or don't...either way, I'm fine with being with you. That's all that I  
want."

"Let's look at it after we complete this next phase-whatever that is. It's time for new heroes to step up, lead the fight.  
I know that you want more children, a settled home. Let's explore THAT journey for awhile."

"Just tell me WHERE. I have followed you, and I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING YOU ANYWHERE, Mack: To World's End..."


End file.
